sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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