I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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