Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
