I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room