Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
