Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
