it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
