I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
