all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
