so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
