Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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