i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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