My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
