Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
