Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
