I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
