thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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