My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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