Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
