Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
