Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
