I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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