Soap is not a condiment
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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