awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize