Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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