I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
