Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
