Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
