if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
