Swine flu. Run for my life!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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