We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She bit a glass in half.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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