So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
