Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
