I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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