why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
