so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize