I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
