Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Im part way to drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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