I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Screwed.edu
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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