My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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