On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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