he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
