Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
