U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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