My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
