At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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