yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
4 words: hood of his car
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
