apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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