your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
