boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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