I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well I just put wine in my tea
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
BRING THE BAGELS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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