i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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