i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
