Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I supernannyed him into submission
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize