I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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