His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
