My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I need water and some morals
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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